5th may 2013

8 31 pm

it's been few days, i am abit speechless at moment but i will write what i can, also i will make it short, no answer from overseas singapore company, or even oktobor, but i guess i musn't worry too much yet, i thinking about sending my reel to one animation singapore sometime this week. not expecting anything.

also, i got a response from aizo digital artworks, games company at cyberjaya, before i was very stubborn about going there for interview i think now i just didn't care, i decided to pump petrol for 2moro and go find that office in cyberjaya, disregard whether can get anything or not i just dun care much. 

sounds irresponsible of me but i felt like this before. but i think this is even more deeper, since august last year i coem back i didn't know wat will happen to me? well surprise, same situation jobless and wonder where the heck i am going to be much later. I am not in penang today for 11 days because I suspected i will get interview this week, and confirmed interview on wednesday  10 am, wat wll happen right after that i don't know. but that's not what i am concern most, tonight is the taste of medicine i relly got.

imagine wat is life like without mum, she been looking after me for so many years and all i did was nothing, poor mummy, she believed her son will be successfull in getting a job overseas, look wat happen, he's back here still jobless and no doubt struggling to find himself a place around. i can feel it now even wat happens even after mom's time is up, or both che, it's such painfull feeling, i'm all alone in this house, i'm fighting to keep my strenght together. wat life ahead will be like without her, this house still broken down? me still jobless? floating around like a bum i am now, yea i know what i look like, even a ghost is even probably bored hanging around me see the same person with same objective, it's saying dude, get out of that room and get yurself a part time or something better than waste your lfie away in that room!

then i think to myself, so wat even if I got myself a part time? will that change anything? working at selset or washing dishes or even mopping the floor of some cafe? while i do my own personal art jobs? have anyone ever stop to think where that goes other than have small income?

i know mum won't be here to watch over me in the future and Im feeling this for the next few days, how quiet it relly is, how will i deal with all this presure, health, tax, bills, rent, money, job, food, how will i able to maintain myself and take care of myself? assume that i am stuck here than i not able to find a job overseas. that feeling, i guess this night will test my true ability.

dad i understand how you feel that many years ago when you were dying, this is probably what you wanted to explain to me, I was too young to understands, i'm going to be 29 next month, if you reading this, i want you to know that i miss you so much and i probably feel the same way with mom also when she leaves and che also, i promise i will be by their side when it's their turn no matter where i am, i am not a greedy persom but i am very ambitious, i jsut want to able to take care of myself and not to pressure mom.

i think watever happens will happen

so wats goign to happen next? I will go for my next interview, i will get myself a part time assuming i have to retreat from 3d artist job for a shortwhile and finally hopefully someday i can return to overseas to work, where can I start? hopefully start with huhustudios. it's not a plan it's just do it