4 21 am
just woke up and i had a dream of my family, my dad and my mom was around and we were back in shah alam house, to be honest it's been along time since i even dream about my dad.
we were at the shah alam house, there is a very small garden right in front of the door, it was later changed in a large fish pawn with a bridge across it, i was sitting on top of that bridge with my dad behind me and having conversation with him, i was smilling and talking to him, and he was happy and the only thing i felt at that moment was father and son moments, father and son conversations, it went on for short while until dad just dissappeared behind me, at that moment it was just silence, mom was just right it front of me, right after that i started to cry, i was sad because i remembered that passed away many years ago, next thing i know is she came right to me and hugged me while i was crying, next moment i know is feeling so much sadness.
right now I know is I woke up because of the brain activity and decided to type this, to all the sons out there that whose fathers are still around and alive to protect and watch over you while you they are still alive and have father and son moments and conversations with you, be glad and cherish them. because I envy you guys, I don't get to have those moments with my dad, I don't get to know him and talk to him or even have those moments, I grew up only with my mother and sister and never having any of those moments with him.
I don't grow up pretending I am happy or sad without knowing my dad, I have get by everyday fighting the memory that he passed away a long time ago and I continue living my life with my mother and be ready for whats in the future, I don't want to feel sad but I want to continue living because i have to, and i can say my fathers memory lives inside me.